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  1. #1
    Moderator James Stern's Avatar
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    More Scottish Humor

    Sent from a friend near Edinborough.



    Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?


    A: In a book shop under "Fiction'

    Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
    A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can build a shed. When you're done you'll have a place to live.

    Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60-plus year old husband?
    A: Tell him you're pregnant.

    Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
    A: Take off your glasses.

    Q: Seriously! What can I do for these Crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
    A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.

    Q: Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?
    A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

    Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
    A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.

    Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
    A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

    Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for spectacles?
    A: On their foreheads.

    Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique shops?
    A: "Gosh, I remember these!"
    The one line never heard in Heaven "Gee! I wish I had spent a little more time in the office."

  2. #2
    Administrator Ron77's Avatar
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    Good ones Jim. And to many of them apply to me.

    Ron
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  3. #3
    Moderator James Stern's Avatar
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    Except for any about glasses they all apply to me.
    The one line never heard in Heaven "Gee! I wish I had spent a little more time in the office."

  4. #4
    GROUCHY FUC***G OLD APE Silverback's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by James Stern View Post
    Except for any about glasses they all apply to me.
    Including this one?


    Q: Seriously! What can I do for these Crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
    A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.


    I'm worried now Jamie.

  5. #5
    Moderator James Stern's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Silverback View Post
    Including this one?


    Q: Seriously! What can I do for these Crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
    A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.


    I'm worried now Jamie.
    Absolutely.9#*9#*9#*
    The one line never heard in Heaven "Gee! I wish I had spent a little more time in the office."

  6. #6
    Senior Member Carlewms's Avatar
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    Building FFR Mk 4 Roadster with 347
    While some still don't they are rapidly coming on to my list.
    From the Olde Goat Garage

    Building an FFR Mk 4 Roadster
    347 Stroker with EFI, SA T5, IRS
    Kit Arrived: 10/25/2012
    Build Started: 4/8/2013
    Rolling Chassis and Engine/Transmission Installation: 8/23/2015
    Go Kart: 3/26/2016

    Another deadline not met ... so it will just get done sometime soon


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  7. #7
    GROUCHY FUC***G OLD APE Silverback's Avatar
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    Thought for sure I was going to be banned for that one.

  8. #8
    Moderator James Stern's Avatar
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    Never.$@)$@)
    The one line never heard in Heaven "Gee! I wish I had spent a little more time in the office."

  9. #9
    Senior Member Carlewms's Avatar
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    Building FFR Mk 4 Roadster with 347
    I found out the reason Silverback was worried ... since a photo is worth a thousand words ... here is actual proof.



    I guess #4 did not work out so well for Mr. Silveback 9#*9#*9#*
    From the Olde Goat Garage

    Building an FFR Mk 4 Roadster
    347 Stroker with EFI, SA T5, IRS
    Kit Arrived: 10/25/2012
    Build Started: 4/8/2013
    Rolling Chassis and Engine/Transmission Installation: 8/23/2015
    Go Kart: 3/26/2016

    Another deadline not met ... so it will just get done sometime soon


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  10. #10
    Senior Member Al G's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Carlewms View Post
    I found out the reason Silverback was worried ... since a photo is worth a thousand words ... here is actual proof.



    I guess #4 did not work out so well for Mr. Silveback 9#*9#*9#*
    Does this violate the no nips rule?

  11. #11
    GROUCHY FUC***G OLD APE Silverback's Avatar
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    And that is Mrs. Silverback.

    Here is a picture of her before the baby.


  12. #12
    Senior Member Carlewms's Avatar
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    Building FFR Mk 4 Roadster with 347
    I interpreted the rule to apply only to the human species ... I guess how that applies to Silverback is questionable ... HeHe
    From the Olde Goat Garage

    Building an FFR Mk 4 Roadster
    347 Stroker with EFI, SA T5, IRS
    Kit Arrived: 10/25/2012
    Build Started: 4/8/2013
    Rolling Chassis and Engine/Transmission Installation: 8/23/2015
    Go Kart: 3/26/2016

    Another deadline not met ... so it will just get done sometime soon


    Click this link to see my albums (http://talk.cobraregistry.com/album.php?u=1201)

  13. #13
    Moderator James Stern's Avatar
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    If Mr. Back had posted the picture the rule would have applied.(*P
    The one line never heard in Heaven "Gee! I wish I had spent a little more time in the office."

  14. #14
    GROUCHY FUC***G OLD APE Silverback's Avatar
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    But I did get titillated by the picture.

  15. #15
    Senior Member AC Bill's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Silverback View Post
    But I did get titillated by the picture.
    And that, least from what I hear.. is what first started AIDS.
    Fast at any speed-Cobra

  16. #16
    Moderator James Stern's Avatar
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    Butch the Rooster
    Sarah was in the fertilized egg business. She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

    She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

    This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

    Sarah's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen but, this morning she noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

    To Sarah's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.

    Sarah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in a Show and he became an
    overnight sensation among the judges.

    The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Peace Prize" they
    also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

    Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure
    out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?

    Vote carefully in the next election. You can't always hear the bells.

    ( If you don’t send this on, you're chicken …… no yolk)
    The one line never heard in Heaven "Gee! I wish I had spent a little more time in the office."

  17. #17
    Moderator James Stern's Avatar
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    The Selfless Irish

    The Irish never hesitate to come to the aid of their fellow man...air passengers, in this case!

    Shortly after take-off on an outbound, evening Air Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston,


    the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue:

    "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service.


    I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals.


    I truly apologise for this mistake and inconvenience."

    When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued,


    "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat,


    will receive free and unlimited drinks for the duration of our 7 hour flight.”

    Her next announcement came about 2 hours later:
    "If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available."
    The one line never heard in Heaven "Gee! I wish I had spent a little more time in the office."

  18. #18
    Administrator Ron77's Avatar
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    That sounds right for the Irish.

    Ron
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  19. #19
    Moderator James Stern's Avatar
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    More from my friend in East Lothian.



    No matter what side of the AISLE you're on, THIS is FUNNY!

    Judy Wallman Trump, a professional genealogy researcher in southern California, was doing some personal work on her own family tree. She discovered that President Donald Trump's great, great uncle, Remus Trump, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. Both Judy and President Trump share this common ancestor.

    The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows in Montana territory. On the back of the picture Judy obtained during her research is this inscription: “Remus Trump, horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.”

    So Judy recently e-mailed the President for information about their great, great uncle, Remus.



    Believe it or not, President Trump's staff sent back the following biographical sketch for her genealogy research:

    “Remus Trump was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed.”


    Now THAT is how it's done, Folks! That's "TRUE POLITICAL SPIN"!
    The one line never heard in Heaven "Gee! I wish I had spent a little more time in the office."

  20. #20
    Administrator Ron77's Avatar
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    Now that was good and I doubt if anyone in Trumps present group would have the intelligence to write that. I need that person to write up my background history.

    Ron
    MY ALBUMS

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