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Thread: More Scottish Humor

  1. #21
    Moderator James Stern's Avatar
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    ....and mine.
    The one line never heard in Heaven "Gee! I wish I had spent a little more time in the office."

  2. #22
    GROUCHY FUC***G OLD APE Silverback's Avatar
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    Even that writer could not help me.

  3. #23
    Senior Member DanEC's Avatar
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    I think I've laughed harder at this thread than any other that I can remember. You all have outdone yourselves.
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  4. #24
    Moderator James Stern's Avatar
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    All of this comes from my workmate/friend who lives just south of the Firth of Forth east of Edinburgh.
    The one line never heard in Heaven "Gee! I wish I had spent a little more time in the office."

  5. #25
    GROUCHY FUC***G OLD APE Silverback's Avatar
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    Firth of Forth?

  6. #26
    Moderator James Stern's Avatar
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    From Waffleheads best friend;

    The Firth of Forth (Scottish Gaelic: Linne Foirthe) is the estuary (firth) of several Scottish rivers including the River Forth. It meets the North Sea with Fife on the north coast and Lothian on the south. It was known as Bodotria in Roman times
    The one line never heard in Heaven "Gee! I wish I had spent a little more time in the office."

  7. #27
    Senior Member KING Nomad nomad's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Silverback View Post
    Firth of Forth?
    He came in 1st out of 4 runners.

    What part of that can't you understand?
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  8. #28
    Quote Originally Posted by James Stern View Post
    From Waffleheads best friend;

    The Firth of Forth (Scottish Gaelic: Linne Foirthe) is the estuary (firth) of several Scottish rivers including the River Forth. It meets the North Sea with Fife on the north coast and Lothian on the south. It was known as Bodotria in Roman times
    Correct James, i was there in the Roman time.

  9. #29
    GROUCHY FUC***G OLD APE Silverback's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by belgiumbarry View Post
    Correct James, i was there in the Roman time.
    Damn, someone older than Ron.

  10. #30
    GROUCHY FUC***G OLD APE Silverback's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by James Stern View Post
    From Waffleheads best friend;

    The Firth of Forth (Scottish Gaelic: Linne Foirthe) is the estuary (firth) of several Scottish rivers including the River Forth. It meets the North Sea with Fife on the north coast and Lothian on the south. It was known as Bodotria in Roman times
    Was that supposed to help?

  11. #31
    Moderator James Stern's Avatar
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    Nope. I was hoping to add to the confusion.
    The one line never heard in Heaven "Gee! I wish I had spent a little more time in the office."

  12. #32
    Moderator James Stern's Avatar
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    One more from my friend in Scotland.


    A Scot was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his mobile. He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Scottish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

    Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, "That's about average up our way, folks...like I said - my boy's a typical Highland baby boy."

    Two weeks later the man returns to the bar. Thebartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Scottish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks.....so how much does he weigh now?”

    The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds." The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He was 25 pounds the
    day he was born.

    The father takes a slow swig from his Johnny Walker Whisky, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."

    God Bless The Scots!
    The one line never heard in Heaven "Gee! I wish I had spent a little more time in the office."

  13. #33
    GROUCHY FUC***G OLD APE Silverback's Avatar
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    Damn, all this time I have thought I was 3/4 French and 1/4 Irish. Guess I was wrong.

  14. #34
    Moderator James Stern's Avatar
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    The Irish and the Scots share a lot of genetics and a lot of heritage. You may be close.
    The one line never heard in Heaven "Gee! I wish I had spent a little more time in the office."

  15. #35
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    Quote Originally Posted by Silverback View Post


    Damn, all this time I have thought I was 3/4 French and 1/4 Irish. Guess I was wrong.
    MY ALBUMS

  16. #36
    GROUCHY FUC***G OLD APE Silverback's Avatar
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    Silverback.

    It gets crowded in here at time.

  17. #37
    Moderator James Stern's Avatar
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    These insults are from an era “before” the language got boiled down to just repeating the same 4-letter words.


    A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.”
    “That depends, Sir, " said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."


    “He had delusions of adequacy ."
    -Walter Kerr

    "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
    - Winston Churchill’s


    "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
    -Clarence Darrow


    "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
    -William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)


    "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
    -Moses Hadas


    "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
    -Mark Twain


    "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
    -Oscar Wilde


    "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one."
    -George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill


    "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."
    -Winston Churchill, in response


    "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
    -Stephen Bishop


    "He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
    -John Bright


    "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
    -Irvin S. Cobb


    "He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."
    -Samuel Johnson


    "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
    - Paul Keating


    "In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
    -Charles, Count Talleyrand


    "He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
    -Forrest Tucker


    "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
    -Mark Twain


    "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
    -Mae West


    "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
    -Oscar Wilde


    "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination."
    -Andrew Lang (1844-1912)


    "He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
    -Billy Wilder


    "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I'm afraid this wasn't it."


    -Groucho Marx
    The one line never heard in Heaven "Gee! I wish I had spent a little more time in the office."

  18. #38
    Senior Member KING Nomad nomad's Avatar
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    A thoughtful Scottish husband was putting his coat and hat on to make his


    way down to the local pub. He turned to his wee wife before leaving and


    said, "Maggie put on your hat and coat, lassie."





    'She replied smiling, 'Aw Jock that's nice, are you taking me tae the pub


    with you?





    'Nay,' Jock replied. 'I'm turning the heat off while I'm out.'
    SEE MY ALBUM

    "When I find the time, I'm going to sit down and write the social history of bourbon."



    "She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up"

    My goal in life is to have a psychiatric disorder named after me.

  19. #39
    Moderator James Stern's Avatar
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    Now that is great Scottish humor.
    The one line never heard in Heaven "Gee! I wish I had spent a little more time in the office."

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